


A muscle the size of your fist

by spasticbirdie



Category: Undertale (Video Game)
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Suicidal Thoughts, this is half a vent fic jsyk
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-08
Updated: 2017-11-08
Packaged: 2019-01-31 00:06:21
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,552
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12664221
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/spasticbirdie/pseuds/spasticbirdie
Summary: A low, dull, crushing feeling in your head.





	A muscle the size of your fist

**Author's Note:**

> _Dalia never showed me nothing but kindness.  
>  She would say: “I know how sad you get."  
> And some days, I still get that way,  
> But it gets better.  
> It gets better.  
> It gets better.  
> Sweetie, it gets better, I promise you. ___

Undyne sighed as she walked up the stairs, the metal clanking under her boots. It’d been another day at work, like any other - yelling at her trainees, doing her own workout routine, and the jog home - and she was actually kinda worn out. Her keys scratched in the lock on their apartment door.

_ At least Al should be home already, _ she thought happily. The door swung open, and she whistled into the apartment. “I’m hooooooooome!”

No response. As Undyne walked inside, stripping off her jacket and kicking off her sneakers, she peered into the bedroom and found it empty, Alphys’ desk chair unoccupied. She frowned, threw her jacket onto the bed, and checked the bathroom. Also empty.

The TV was on, some videogame on pause, and Undyne peered over the couch. Blankets, pillows, discarded soda cans, but no Alphys.

“Al?” Undyne called out, a note of worry creeping into her voice. There weren’t any other rooms in the apartment, but she checked them all again, throwing away the blankets on the bed, dragging back the shower curtain, and finally, desperately, looking in the cabinets in the kitchen.

Finally, as she hurried back into the bedroom, she saw the curtains blow back in the wind, the window beyond open wide. She rushed over, stuck her head out, and looked around; the window opened onto the fire escape, on the fourth floor of the building, metal stairs running up and down.

Undyne looked to the floors below, saw nothing, craned her neck, looked above, and saw Alphys.

“Al!”

Alphys didn’t respond. She was sitting on the platform, leaning against the brick of the building, wearing a t-shirt and sweatpants. She stared out over the street, looking into the river across the street. Her legs were curled to her chest, arms resting on them.

Alphys stared out at the water, looking dark and endless in the dark of the night. The reflections of the streetlights wobbled on the surface, shining in the black of the water. She felt the rough surface of the brick on her back, the slightly rusty metal of the grate beneath her, the wind blowing through her thin clothes…

“Alphys!” Undyne was practically right in her face, practically yelling, an expression that was practically panicked on her face.

Alphys should have jumped but instead she just blinked. “Oh. H-Hey, Undyne. You’re home.”

Undyne looked at her, disbelief and fear on her face. “Yeah. I’m home. What’re you doing up here?”

“Huh?” Alphys blinked, dug her claws into her legs, and looked down at her lap. “Uh, n-nothing. Just wanted, uh, s-some air.”

“Okay…” Undyne looked concerned, and everything inside her was screaming to  _ say something say something _ , but instead she just sighed. “Well, it’s getting cold out here. Come on inside.” She put a hand on Alphys’, shaking her gently. “C’mon.”

Standing up slowly, like she was underwater, Alphys followed Undyne down the fire escape and back in the window. Undyne shut it behind them, the sound of the night outside abruptly cut off.

“Well, anyway… What d’you want for dinner?” Undyne asked.

It was like her words were moving at half the speed of sound. “Huh? Oh…” Alphys responded distantly. “Uh, wh-whatever.” She flopped down on the bed, still staring distantly at her lap.

Undyne gritted her teeth and sat down next to her. “Okay, Al. What’s wrong?”

“Huh?” Alphys said, not even noticing her broken-recordness. “Uh, n-nothing.”

“Al, I can tell. You’re not…” Undyne swallowed, feeling like there was a rock in her stomach, but kept on. “You’re obviously having a bad day, or something, so just  _ talk _ to me, okay? Lemme help.”

Alphys let out a slow, shuddering breath.

Undyne was half-right. She was having a bad day, but only in the sense that she wasn’t having a good one. Nothing had happened that could have made her have a bad day; she’d gone to work, had a perfectly normal day of filing paperwork, poring over equations, and meeting with students, and then she’d come home. She’d taken a shower, started playing some videogames, and then…

Then she’d gotten fed up, or something like that, with it, paused the game, gone into the bedroom and laid out on the bed for a while before opening the window, climbing out onto the fire escape, and looking at the river, thinking of what the dark, dark water would feel like enveloping her as a slow, numbing feeling crept over her head.

There wasn’t anything wrong. There just wasn’t anything right.

She let out another shuddering sigh, then turned to Undyne. “O-Okay. D-D-Do you really want to help?”

Undyne nodded, shifting a little closer to Alphys. “Yes. Babe, I really want to help you. What do you need?”

Alphys let out a breath then took it back in, shuddering and shaky both ways. “Th-th-then… can you hit me?”

Undyne blinked, the words sinking in, then recoiled like she’d been the one struck. “ _ What?!?” _

“J-Just!” Alphys took her glasses off, folding them in her lap. “J-Just, p-p-punch me. R-Right here.” She proffered her face, eyes screwed up. 

“Al! Al, what the…  _ No!” _ Undyne said, horrified. “Jeez, what’s gotten into you?”

“I-It’s okay! J-Just once, p-please?” Alphys said, a note of pleading creeping into her voice that made Undyne feel almost sick. “I p-promise I’ll be o-okay, just h-h-h…” She swallowed. “H-Hit m-”

She was cut off by Undyne grabbing her hands, looking into her eyes with an expression of terrified concern. “Alphys! I am  _ not _ going to hit you!” She squeezed Alphys’ hands in her lap. “Babe, what’s going on?”

“I-I-I wouldn’t h-h-hold it against you! I promise! I-I just…” Alphys swallowed. “I-I need to f-f-feel something, o-okay? I n-n-need something to just b-b-break this f-feeling and I need to b-b-block it out, ok-k-k-kay? So j-j-just… h-hit m-”

Alphys was cut off by Undyne throwing her arms around her, hugging her tightly, pressing Alphys’ face into Undyne’s shoulder. Alphys felt the steady thumping of Undyne’s heart, faster than normal, her chest rising and falling with her breath. 

“Alphys,” she said, her voice low, level, and quiet. “I am  _ not _ going to hit you.”

Alphys swallowed. “B-but…”

“ _ No, _ Al.” Undyne squeezed her closer, and Alphys could hear a shuddering breath go through her. “I’m not. Just… Just talk to me, okay?”

“B-But I am-”

“No, not…” Undyne faltered, her arms shaking. “Just, really talk to me, okay? Let me know what’s wrong. I can handle it. I want to hear it from you, okay?” Finally, she released Alphys, and Alphys could see tears starting to well up in Undyne’s eye. “Please. I… I want to help you, and I want you to talk to me, and I can’t stand to see you suffering.”

She finished, breathing heavily and shakily, still holding Alphys’ shoulders.

For a moment, Alphys sat there, mouth hanging open.

Then she dove back into Undyne’s embrace, face buried in her chest. Undyne hugged her close, feeling Alphys’ breathing go shaky, then hitch, and finally felt sobs shake Alphys’ chest, her girlfriend crying into her shirt, thousands of repressed tears spilling out.

Undyne held her girlfriend close all night. Alphys talked, and Undyne listened; talked about the amalgamates, which she had already told Undyne about but still haunted her; Mettaton, and how she felt she could have done better by him, how she felt she’d been betraying everyone for so long and how they couldn’t have possibly forgiven her as easily as they had, how she was just so tired of it all, how it weighed on her still, how even the best days ended with her wanting to curl up and cease to exist.

Undyne listened, held her close, and let her girlfriend cry into her shirt. Finally, her sobs calming, shakes subsiding, and eyes stinging with tears, Alphys’ embrace began to relax, becoming less desperate and more comfortable. She let out one last, choking sob, and let herself slump down into Undyne’s lap.

Shifting over to the head of the bed and lying down, Undyne stroked Alphys’ head gently. “You okay?”

Alphys sniffled. “Y-Yeah… yeah.” She rubbed away a dribble of snot and looked up to Undyne, eyes still red from crying. “I-I-I needed th-that. Th-Thanks.” She sniffled again and buried her head in Undyne’s lap.

Undyne blinked away some tears of her own. “It’s okay. It’s okay. I’m here, okay?” She pulled Alphys closer, breathing deep. “I’m here. I’ll always be here.”

Alphys nodded. “I-I’m s-s-sorry for asking you to… h-h-h-h-hi-”

“Shhh.” Undyne hugged her tight. “Shh. It’s okay.”

Alphys nodded again, burrowing deeper into Undyne’s embrace. “S-Sorry.” A long moment went by, quiet but not uncomfortable. “I-I d-don’t deserve y-”

“Shhh shh shh. Stop that, yes you do,” Undyne cut her off. “I don’t deserve  _ you _ , okay? I wonder a lot about how I… how I got so, so lucky, okay?” Alphys felt Undyne’s breath shudder beneath her. “S-So don’t ever say you don’t deserve anything or that you’re unlovable because as far as I’m concerned you’re the most worthy monster out of us all.”

Alphys let out a choked laugh, half-happy, half-sad, all grateful for her the girl holding her so close. “C-Can, w-we just, uh, st-stay here for a while?”

“Sure.”

Undyne held Alphys, and Alphys let herself be held, the walls inside falling away.


End file.
